i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
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Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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