I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize