My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
