Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize