he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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