I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
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Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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