My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
did i walk over a car last night?
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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