Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize