i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
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Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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