I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
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FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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