She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
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aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
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you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pants are for mortals
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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