we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize