I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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