I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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