Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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