Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
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You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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