I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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