dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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