Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
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Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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