Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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