I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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