yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
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I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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