I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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