We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
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I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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