That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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