I think I died a long time ago.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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