You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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