The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
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She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
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WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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