If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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