Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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