i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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