It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
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We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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