I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
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I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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