Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you would pick up someone in the library
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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