The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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