I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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