Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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