I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
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Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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