I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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