Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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