I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
This toilet bowl is my home.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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