I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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