she woke up with a sticky ear
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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