idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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