if you like me you must not know who I am
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
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I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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