Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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