Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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