first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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