first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
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like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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