You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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